I get nothing done without the Internet. But the Internet prevents me from getting stuff done. There's enough noise online to distract us from what we should be doing (like reading this blog, posting on the message board, sending people non-creepy email!), but some days I feel like I've gotta scrub out stains on the Internet Landscape before I can even start.

In the first corner:

WHOREBOTS!

You're never quite sure if these are Actual Human Beings or someone hoping to make a buck off of an XXX Google Image Search, or if there's some Whorebot's Guide that instructs them to pose in a bikini against a stained white bedsheet draped over her closet door. She's always a "lill freaky," "love bad boy's" and interests always include "chillen w/peeps." She insists that she's the girl next door and she could be - if the girl next door was named Jordana or Svetlana, and hung out with other like-minded girls like "Extreme Ass," "Candy Tits" and "Sweet Lips."

She requests "no haterz, pleeze" as if you could hate a woman whose nipples point heavenward, as if her man-made mammaries were mocking God. She is always an "awesome friend" and you can find out yourself for the low, low price of $9.95 a month.

Slightly less easy to spot than spammers, because like the Tooth Fairy, there's a small glimmer of hope that these girls may actually exist.


In the opposite corner:

SPAMMERS!

If spam has taught us anything, it's that the biggest threat facing our society isn't a recession, it's not cyclones in Myanmar or the Earth's rapidly depleting resources. A quick look in the nearest guy's pants should tell you that it's penis size! (With lack of designer watches running a close second.)

While a good spam filter (thank you, gmail) keeps the bulk of spam out of our inboxes, the occasional request from Mrs Rita Adams from the Solomon Islands whose husband happened to deposit $2.5 million in the Bank in Cote D'Ivoire and cannot access the money but can authorize you to withdraw it if you can just send her a couple of bucks in the meantime. Like commercials that use snippets of popular songs or a catchy tune to get you singing along, Spammers have become more sneaky as of late, infiltrating social networks where they ply their trade.

We can deny their friendship, delete their emails and let the spam filter to the work, but as the number next to your spam box continues to rise, you can't help but wonder how much is too much? and if one day the whole thing's gonna explode like a pus-filled supernova.