We don't want yes-men. We don't want someone who will step-n-fetch-it. We don't want victims, poor-pitful-me's, a guy who sits and waits for life to happen to him. Lovable loser is indeed lovable, but only in an arm's length press-don't-press-that-against-me way.

Occasionally I'll see a fabulous NerdBoy who starts dating some girl who he doesn't seem to have much in common with: she makes fun of him and his nerdy pursuits, and he bends to her whim, trying to create himself in the image that she sees for him - even thought they're already supposedly dating. These "relationships" last two, maybe three months and then the NerdBoy is dumped with little to no warning. His heart is broken and he's convinced that he will never, EVER date anyone again. I mean, he had a chance with this chick and he blew it.

Sound familiar?

Occasionally, the fairer sex isn't so fair, and what she's attracted to initially is a guy who will do anything that she asks him to. It's not that she's attracted to the fact that he's nice - she's attracted to the fact that she can totally take advantage of him. She may not even realize this, simply basking in a glow of a new helper monkey. Those first few weeks are heaven, while you paint her apartment and pick up her sister at the airport and attend the Director's Cut of Beaches. You pack away your comic books and let you Wii collect dust and tell yourself you're happy because well, you're dating.

Except that she starts to get sick of having a sycophant and starts wanting a boyfriend. And then she reaches into your chest and pulls your heart out, and you are left convinced that girls don't want nice guys.


You deserve someone who actually likes you, not what you do for them.
This is more about them than it is about you, but it's good idea to start looking for the signs early. Like, is the relationship completely one-sided? Does she constantly make fun of you in public and private about your nerdy side? Does she ask you to change at all?

Don't be a yes-man.
You can be a nice guy and have an opinion. You can be a nice guy and disagree. You can be a nice guy and not be 100% available and willing all of the time. There is an enormous expanse betwixt "pushover" and "dickhead." Try living there for awhile!

I started Internet Dating back in 1997 simply to practice. I didn't date at all in high school and in college I had A Boyfriend. I never had the opportunity to go out with multiple people and just see what dating was like. What I learned about about three months of being in the fray is that I was working to make these people like me, without stopping to realize, did I like them?

You shouldn't have to work to make someone like you.
This is another bane of the "nice guy" but it comes off as "pushover." I understand when you like someone, it's hard not to try. And you should try. Just don't try so hard.

What it really comes down to?

Be confident.
Fake it if you have to. My entire personality is based on faking confidence. Really. Any time I take a big meeting or walk into a group of people I don't know, I always want to wet myself.


So two studies have proven that bad boys get all the girls. (via Slashdot.) But if you read more closely, the discuss the Dark Triad:

The traits are the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism.

These are the guys who have more partners. And of course they are. Not because women are inexplicably attracted to the, but because they're not afraid to ask anyone out. Dating - online or off - can be a numbers game, and the only way you can find out if someone's interested in you is going out there and asking them if they are. A narcissist assumes everyone's interested, a psychopath probably doesn't care, and a Machiavellian probably adores the thrill of the chase and conquering.

Because these three traits also come off as confidence. But it's not the only way to be confident.

(Now, there are girls out there who actually seek out jerks. But ideally you're steering clear of the Too Messed Up To Date.)

Unlike the members of the Dark Triad, it's not going to necessarily get easier the more you approach people. Asking someone out will always be a nerve-wracking, embarrassing experience. But maybe it'll get less scary. Or maybe it'll seem more worth it. Or maybe, just maybe, you'll figure out that you're an awesome individual who brings a lo tto the table, and y'know what? That's enough.