WILL BETHEBOY, IN DEFENSE OF HANK VENTURE:

In honor of the third season of "Venture Bros," I'd like to defend one Henry Allan "Hank" Venture against the ridiculous charges that he is a nerd. Sure, Hank may be a little awkward and he's clueless around the ladies but trust me: he is no geek. Hank Venture is a young man who should be admired and emulated not mocked. Let me tell you why:

1. Hank is an entrepreneur.
He's the founder and CEO of Hankco's Grinder and Lemonade, located at a yard sale in a scientist's compound near you. He knew that the only way to get a piece of that fat money cake was to overcharge for sandwiches and sugar water and he did just that. Hankco's also employed two humans and one robot and didn't close up shop when the arch villains went wild.

2. Strength of Conviction.
Hank is a young man with strong beliefs, especially when it comes to wearing a Batman costume. He doesn't care what people say, he's going to dress like Batman. Everyone is dressing like characters from The Wizard of Oz? Well it's going to be Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Tin Man and The Bat because Hank will be dressed like Batman. Going on a date with Hank? Hope you like capes because he will be dressed like Batman. Hank has no use for your sense of style.

3. Innovation.
Have you ever spilled water on your pants and worried that people might think you peed them? Hank has but he fixed that by straddling the hand dryer only to discover that "it's like someone with a fever is yelling at his pants". Sure his pants caught fire just like the front wheel of his bike when he jumped those 15 garbage cans, but sacrifices must be made for science.

There are many more examples of Hank's coolness. The Hankinator can pee off of a heliport and he's not afraid of ghost pirates like his brother Dean. Now that Dean kid is a dork, but not Hank. Hank is awesome. Go Team Venture!


MIKEYH, IN DEFENSE OF DEAN VENTURE:

So, in celebration of the premiere of the third season of "Venture Bros," everybody's favorite Slackmistress has asked me to be part of a point/counterpoint sort of "debate" espousing the virtues of the ubiquitous duo, and the task of defending Dean has fallen squarely on my shoulders. Specifically, I'm supposed to make a clear-cut argument as to why Master D. Venture is not a nerd. Or at least less of one than his brother…

Which is no mean feat, I assure you.

So here goes. Let's stick with bullet points, folks:

1. Clothes Make the Man.
If you're gonna wear pajamas, by god they better be superhero themed. And if you're gonna wear superhero themed pajamas, then by god they better emulate a cool superhero, right? Now, he's never been my favorite, but Spiderman is a googolplex times cooler than Aquaman (and let's face it: Spidey could totally take down Aquaman any day of the week), so by proxy, our boy Dean is dripping in superhero sartorial cred.

But what's that you say? "What about Hank's Batman costume." BAH! If he's not innadvertantly commiting suicide in it, he's ruining dates and costume contests while wearing it. Sorry, Hank, but "The Bat" you ain't.

And it takes a special kinda guy to wear a Speed Suit. I know it. You know it. God knows it. Dean is that kinda guy.

2. Girls LIKE Him!
Kind of! And he likes them back!
I know Triana Orpheus might not exactly seem like she's into our boy, at least she doesn't seem to wish him any specific harm, right? Can't you just see something wonderfully awkward happening between them? I know I can. And who knows...maybe some day he'll figure out what Billy Quizboy meant by giving him the "complete package," which could help up the not-wishing-specific-harm ante quite a bit, eh?

Some surreptitious tongue-slipping to Molotov notwithstanding, Hank's luck with the ladies seems to be of the decidedly bad variety. He'll die (again) a virgin. MARK. MY. WORDS.

And finally:

3. At least he doesn't channel "Crazy Dead People."
Yeah, yeah. Sure he had the really involved Giant Boy Detective/Neverending Story hallucination during "Showdown at Cremation Creek Pt II," but at least he has a slightly less tenuous grasp on reality.

Mecha-Shiva really happened. I don't care WHAT the Monarch says.

In summation: if I had to put my life in the hands of one of the Ventures (*shudder*), my choice is Dean, all the way.

See you in HECK, Hank.

Who's the bigger nerd? Hank or Dean Venture? VOTE!